“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.