I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!