I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*