I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound