I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Weirdos gonna weird.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say