I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Sing it!
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
San Francisco has too many rules
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.