I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.