I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
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I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what