I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.