I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?