Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

technically true but not a great slogan

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

i wish i could marry a nap

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

Would you wear it?

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.