I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
