I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My life is fraught with reality
I didn’t know they can drive…
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.