@elle91

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@Shenanigans_luv

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@sheseemslegit

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

@heyitsJudeD

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

@Sanbel11

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

@liv_thatsme

Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.

@BromanConsul

1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”

@drinksmcgee

Knuckle Tats

(I) (H)(A)(V)(E) (W)(A)(Y) (T)(O)(O)
(M)(A)(N)(Y) (F)(I)(N)(G)(E)(R)(S)

@Tmoney68

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.