I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬