I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”