I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”