I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.