Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.