I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.