I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe