Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.