I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
A friend helps you before you need it
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦