Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.