I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Best seat on the street 😍
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Merry Christmas
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD