I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
thank god the sign was there
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way