Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”