I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.