I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband: