I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?