I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
early stone age tool
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.