I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You Might Also Like
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Well, this explains it:
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy