I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Sign of the day..
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs