Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.