Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.