I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Can you solve the riddle??
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)