I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
🔦🌙👣
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.