I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me