Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

This will never not be funny to me.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

B

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.