I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open

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[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?


*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]


doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good


I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.


I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.


Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again


me: i had my faith in humanity restored today

wife: what happened?

me: driving to work i saw a young kid rush to help an old lady after she got hit by a car

wife: omg, did you help too?

me: nah, i needed to go get the dent repaired that she left


Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me


I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.



“Where are you all going?”
A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking.
“You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this’ll be great exposure for your band


Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?