genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions