Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Rare photo of two submarines racing

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses