I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.