I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
This chloroform smells expensiv…
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”