I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.