I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray