I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back