I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Wait a second…
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!