Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Alexa: *deep breath*

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)