I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?