I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.