I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!