A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
love it when they get my name right
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Oh deer
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.