Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.