Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

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If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

2022: I can fix it

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

Sounds like a real hoot.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.