Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

We made a comic about a space heater.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.