Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.