I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.