I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.