I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Not messing around
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Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks