I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
You Might Also Like
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
why would tinder want me to say this
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Revenge served cold
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*