I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
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If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need