I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.