I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Squirrels before girls.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.