I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My Sentiments Exactly
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I told my vodka about you.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain