I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.