I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Monday Lisa
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
2022 be like
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet