I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Lmao the reply
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
