Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Smooooooth

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay