I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
went fishing caught a bass
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.