Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

This rocks

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this