I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes