Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*