I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
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Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.