I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
This is so wrong 😂
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*