I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …