I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
the answer was staring at me all along
